boulder
July 2008 
Conditional VS. Present Tense Life
Posted on Nov 22nd, 2006
by 
jpjako
jpjako
I've been reclaiming some repressed anger recently and BOY! I feel pissed off. And you know what? It feels great. For the longest time I've been trying to hold back my negative thoughts and emotions, thinking that "It doesn't matter". Well it does.
Take the weather for example. I used to think people who whine about the weather are uncivilized dweeps who just can't keep their mouths shut. And now I'm happy to comply .The weather sucks major ass, man! It's supposed to be winter in Finland -you know, the land of the ol' Santa- and it's raining cats and dogs and stupid men. I want SNOW, goddammit!
I am the kind of a person who spends a lot of their time in shielding against circumstances. Like spending money to buy ultra-rainproof tents (Hilleberg Nallo GT, highly recommended) and other rainproof gear. Ok, yeah, they got their place in our sometimes soggy Kosmos but man am I tired of explaining myself that it's what I really want. Cause it just isn't.
What I realised today was that there are two ways of living one's life. One is what I came to call living in the conditional and the other is living in the present tense. Living in the conditional is coloured by what you would like to do but are afraid to, so instead you do whatever else that makes you feel psychologically (financially, physically, socially, culturally...) safe. Living in the present tense is living with whatever is real in your awareness. It might mean seeing unpleasant emotions and re-owning a lot of your repressed feelings. But at least it is honest and worthy living. And honesty is something to sacrifice our fears for.
Not convinced? Fine. I'll be happy join you as soon as this shitty weather turns cold again and I'll forget why I bothered in the first place. After all, it is so much easier to suck and swallow all what's coming at our Original Face, preaching with the rest of the converted and get back to whatever the sleep tickles your wimpy ass fancy. MAN, I am pissed off. Mostly to myself for lying about myself to my Self.
So from now on I hope I'm not as lame as before when thinking about whether I should wear a raincoat or stay inside and read some intellectual raincoating such as silly philosophy books. Maybe I'll move to Boulder, Colorado and read 'em there. That's what I would've always wanted to done.
Take the weather for example. I used to think people who whine about the weather are uncivilized dweeps who just can't keep their mouths shut. And now I'm happy to comply .The weather sucks major ass, man! It's supposed to be winter in Finland -you know, the land of the ol' Santa- and it's raining cats and dogs and stupid men. I want SNOW, goddammit!
I am the kind of a person who spends a lot of their time in shielding against circumstances. Like spending money to buy ultra-rainproof tents (Hilleberg Nallo GT, highly recommended) and other rainproof gear. Ok, yeah, they got their place in our sometimes soggy Kosmos but man am I tired of explaining myself that it's what I really want. Cause it just isn't.
What I realised today was that there are two ways of living one's life. One is what I came to call living in the conditional and the other is living in the present tense. Living in the conditional is coloured by what you would like to do but are afraid to, so instead you do whatever else that makes you feel psychologically (financially, physically, socially, culturally...) safe. Living in the present tense is living with whatever is real in your awareness. It might mean seeing unpleasant emotions and re-owning a lot of your repressed feelings. But at least it is honest and worthy living. And honesty is something to sacrifice our fears for.
Not convinced? Fine. I'll be happy join you as soon as this shitty weather turns cold again and I'll forget why I bothered in the first place. After all, it is so much easier to suck and swallow all what's coming at our Original Face, preaching with the rest of the converted and get back to whatever the sleep tickles your wimpy ass fancy. MAN, I am pissed off. Mostly to myself for lying about myself to my Self.
So from now on I hope I'm not as lame as before when thinking about whether I should wear a raincoat or stay inside and read some intellectual raincoating such as silly philosophy books. Maybe I'll move to Boulder, Colorado and read 'em there. That's what I would've always wanted to done.
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